His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
