you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Houston, we have a squirter
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
