Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
