I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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