My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
