he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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