Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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