Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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