My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
