I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
