I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
