i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
