If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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