i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
