we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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