they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize