I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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