VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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