the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
