The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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