I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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