So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
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