My liver just broke up with me...
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
