she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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