I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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