found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
