he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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