If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm getting married
To pizza
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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