chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
