"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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