My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
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