Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
It's official drugs can't kill me
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize