Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
