I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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