Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
