What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
