I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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