I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
This baby is an asshole
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
