I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
