I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
