You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
