You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
It's shark week go big or go home
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
