I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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