Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
