I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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