chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
