a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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