Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
