I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
