so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
