No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
