We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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