I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
