I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
They are going to name an STD after you.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
