i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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